I have a confession to make. I am Da Man!

Who Da Man? I’m Da Man!

You are probably asking, “Hey! Who said YOU get to be Da Man?”

Funny you should ask. It was a fan who recently told me, “Loved last week’s column! You did good! You Da Man!”

So, who called me Da Man? Da Fan!

Was Da Fan a man? Yes, Da Fan was a man, but not Da Man.

I’ve discovered that there’s a lot of jealously associated with me being Da Man.

Hey, I didn’t ASK to be Da Man, but I gotta admit I did not turn down the opportunity. Being Da Man is pretty sweet.

The term “You Da Man” has been around a really long time, but then so have I.

Do you have any clue how many Da Men had to come and go before I got to where I am today? Hundreds! Thousands, even!

By the way, this is an appointment in perpetuity so YOU can’t be Da Man — yet! But you CAN be Da-Next-Man-In-Line. If — and only if — I decide to abdicate this lofty position can YOU become Da Man.

Now, now, just sit tight. One of these days you will surely be Da Man. In the meantime, watch and learn.

Follow my lead so that when you attain this level of greatness, folks will fawn and assure you, “YOU Da Man!”

Sometimes when you Da Man, you run across another who claims to be Da Man.

At this point you end up in a sort of mutual appreciation mode, during which there is a certain dialogue you must undertake to prove one another’s validity.

“You Da MAN!”

“No, YOU Da Man!”

“No-o-o, YOU Da Man!”

Point, counterpoint! Repeat as needed!

When you’re Da Man, people love to remind you that you are, indeed, Da Man. It gives one street cred to be seen with Da Man.

“Dude! I saw you hangin‘ with Da Man! You and Da Man tight?”

“Man, Da Man and me are man-da-man!”

Hey, I just saw a T-shirt that said, “You Da Man.” Weird... I don’t recall approving this, but I have been pretty busy lately, being Da Man and all. Surely the proper royalties will be coming my way forthwith. After all, no one would try to shaft Da Man.

For those of you who say “The Man” is trying to keep you down, well, perhaps he IS.

But that’s THE Man not DA Man. Da Man is not trying to oppress anyone.

On the contrary, he wants to see you attain great heights of personal development. He’s trying to lift you up. Verily, he is the wind beneath your wings. That’s what makes him Da Man!

You may be wondering what other qualities Da Fan recognized in me before they pronounced that I was Da Man.

I have no idea. Just being my ol’ bad self, ah reckon.

If I could quantify it, then I would sell it. No, actually, I would just give it away.

Why?

Because that’s what Da Man does!

Of course, if I did that, then everyone would be Da Man. Collectively, Da Men.

Hmmm.

Perhaps we could take turns. I’m down with that, because being Da Man sometimes wears me out. You could say it’s... “Da Man-ding!”

Heh heh! Can I get an A-Man?

Todd’s weekly column: The 8-track cassette of freelance journalism.