Being that I’m the kind of person who is always looking for new methods of self-improvement. I decided to latch onto the finest source of quality, life-altering tidbits — clickbait articles.

One that popped up in my newsfeed had this title: “Want to Sound and Feel More Confident? Ditch These 11 Phrases from Your Vocabulary.”

Confidence? Ehhhh, not sure that applies. From what I am told, MY problem isn’t a dearth of confidence, but rather an overwhelming surplus of it.

For instance, I am confident that my column is being read by thousands upon thousands of discriminating literati each and every week!

Yes, I realize there is a fine line between confidence and self-delusion. Your point being?

Anyways, here are the 11 points written by some nameless, faceless internet wag and my commentary in retort:

“I have to do that.”

What to say instead: “I get to do that.”

Hmmm. Let’s put it in a certain perspective here:

“Oh, no! I have to throw up!”

“Yay! I GET to throw up!”

Doesn’t really make me feel any better, sorry.

“I can’t do that.”

What to say instead: “I can try to do that.”

Folks, admitting defeat before you’ve begun is just plain sensible. Saves time and energy. No sense banging your head against the wall. Perhaps the Universe has bigger plans for you.

“Those clothes aren’t going to fold themselves!”

“Really? How can you be so sure? I have confidence that they will!”

“I should do that.”

What to say instead: “I will do that.”

Once again, we are veering into some thorny legal territory here. Imagine saying, “I should smash his head in with a tire iron.” versus “I WILL smash his head in with a tire iron.” See? BIG difference.

“Why is this happening to me?”

What to say instead: “What am I learning from this?”

Why, you ask? Maybe because you’re a bad person? Any unconfessed sins you need to run by the Toddster? Did I tell you my birthday’s coming up? Random good deeds equal a cheap shot at redemption!

“I never should have.”

What to say instead: “Because I did that, I now know [X].”

“I never should have eaten that Carolina Reaper pepper. But, because I DID, I am now suffering acute respiratory arrest…so, lesson learned! ACKKKKK!!!”

“I failed.”

What to say instead: “This attempt didn’t work.”

Either way, expect people to point and say, “Loser!”

“If only I had done [X].”

What to say instead: Nothing!

That’s right, because you got experience. You know what experience is, don’t you? Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.

“This is too complicated.”

What to say instead: “I don’t understand this right now.”

So, what? Took me till I was 12 to learn to tie my shoes. YOU’RE not special.

“It’s never going to change.”

What to say instead: “I can change the way I approach this.”

Okay! My yard hasn’t been mowed in weeks. Henceforth, I will change the way I approach this. (pause) Well, whattaya know?! The lawn is still un-mowed.

“Never” (or “Always”)

What to say instead: Nothing!

Avoid absolutes altogether. Heh, heh! This kinda reminds me of the Three Stooges:

Moe: “Are you sure?”

Larry: “I’m positive!”

Moe: “Only fools are positive!”

Larry: “Are you sure?”

Moe: “I’m positive!”

“It’s not fair.”

What to say instead: “I can deal with it anyway!”

You know what’s not fair? The fact I could have written a real column this week instead of relying on the internet for a ready-made set of key bullet-points. But I’m confident no one knew the difference!

Todd’s weekly column: Say! Whose taffy do you think you’re pulling?

Todd’s weekly column: Say! Whose taffy do you think you’re pulling?