Okay, I’m about to show a side of me that my readers most likely have never seen. I’m about to go from being the “happy-go-lucky space pirate” to something more akin of The Punisher!

In short, I am ticked. Miffed, even!

You may ask what happened to effect such a change in the normally sedate Toddster?

Quick answer: I got burgled!

Here’s the gist: Besides being the lord of my palatial Dugspur estate, I also co-own my old childhood home.

No one lives there, but it is my de facto storage unit for the time being.

I went by the old place last month and noticed that my juvenescent refuge had been broken into.

Well, technically it wasn’t broken into, because one of the doors is always left unlocked.

Not my idea but my co-owner feels this is for the best.

I once asked him, “Why don’t we simply lock BOTH doors?”

He said, “If we do that, then burglars will just smash a window to get in.”

I can’t say I completely agree with his reasoning, but I really dislike installing replacement windows, so…

First thing I noticed was a laundry basket sitting right outside the door. Inside were several items of mine all neatly stacked together. Obviously, someone had tried to make a nice getaway with my belongings.

But what happened then? Was it too heavy? Did the thieves leave it for later?

All I know is I didn’t want it to sit out in the elements because, man, I PAID for this stuff! So, I took it right back inside.

That’s when I got to thinking about what had just transpired and I got angry. Bitterly so! How DARE they?

THINK about it! You break into MY house and pilfer through MY stuff and then you freaking LEAVE IT BEHIND?

What the heck, thieves? You saying MY stuff is not good enough to steal? Is THAT it? Jerks!

You been robbing better homes? Not in THAT neighborhood, you haven’t!

If I ever — EVER — find out who did this, I am going ROGUE on you. TRY me!

I will drag your worthless behind BACK to my old house, shove you inside and FORCE you to steal my stuff. Yeah! You heard me, Sticky Fingers!

Bad enough you trespass on my property but to diss me by refusing to take my swag? Oh, no you DIDN’T! I have my pride, you know!

I sincerely hope you “thieves” don’t try to make a career of these larcenous endeavors because, quite frankly, you suck at it.

Ha! You bunch of amateurs. You missed the best stuff! You didn’t spend near enough time rummaging through my basement. If you show up again, you had best prepare to leave there with more Hefty bags than Santa could manage in his 20s.

See those shelves in the back? Just look at all those cans of vegetables my grandma put back during the Eisenhower Administration. Go ahead! Grab a few! You don’t have to taste-test them, just sneak off with a load of that glorious antique food! Don’t you tell me you don’t have a Haz-Mat license. You stick that rusty jar of botulism in your rucksack and haul freight!

On second thought, I oughta make you eat those vintage beets right where you stand. Yeah, you’ll probably bazooka barf within a minute, but those piles of sawdust under the workbench will absorb it all.

Speaking of the workbench, remember that old Craftsman table saw? The one thing you actually managed to take? Thought you might want to know the history behind that. It belonged to my grandpa.

He cut off half a finger on that thing back in ’72! That saw might be cursed for all you know! We never did wipe the blood off it.

I have to ask, what exactly did you do with it? You got a nice side hustle making picture frames? May as well, because you’ll never make a buck fencing anything else.

By the way, you also forgot to steal that big cardboard box full of old Life magazines. Yeah, they’re covered in mold, duh! You got a problem with that? Considering you purposely broke into a musty, damp, unkempt basement, I didn’t think you’d be all that discriminating.

So, let me know next time you plan to arrive and I’ll fire up the old dehumidifier. Notice you didn’t take that either.

Todd’s weekly column: A bargain at any price.

Todd’s weekly column: A bargain at any price.